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(Please note we do not have the actual script from this
show, but have transcribed the action and dialogue to the best of our ability)
The song We Will Rock You begins to play, and audience members quickly
join in, clapping and stomping their feet. This is the cue that the show
is about to begin and people should take their seats.
The song ends and is replaced by an old western move-style song. A
horse and rider appear from near the barn set on the left side of the stage.
They stop and the horse rears before the rider, dressed all in black and
carrying a money bag dismounts. This is BLACK BART. The horse
trots off stage right as Black Bart looks around him, apparently nervous that he
may have been followed. At one point he fires his gun at a shadow, then
begins to relax. Little does he realize that a man in spotlight is
descending from a rope above him. This is the SHERIFF. The
Sheriff grabs Bart from behind and then when Bart struggles the Sheriff hits him
with a few punches and tries to wrestle his gun away.
SHERIFF: Hold it right there, Bart! Give me your gun!
Bart tosses the Sheriff over a water trough and then hits him over the head
with a wooden crate, but the Sheriff leaps over the water trough and lunges at
Bart, knocking him to the ground and punching him out.
SHERIFF: That?s it, Bart! I?ve had it with you!
The Sheriff stands over the fallen bad guy and draws his gun.
SHERIFF: Well, Bart . . . looks like I finally got
ya! And you?re
headed straight for jail!
BART: Sheriff, I?ve been in plenty of rough spots before and I
always manage to come out on top!
SHERIFF: Yeah? Then it looks like your luck?s just about run
out pal, ?cause nothing short of a bolt from Heaven?s gonna set you free!
BART: (Laughs) A bolt from Heaven, huh? Well, we?ll
just see about that!
There?s suddenly a blast of light and smoke and everything gets dark.
We can see something is appearing behind them as the startled Sheriff and Bart
step away from the flashing lights and smoke. Finally the shape of a phone
booth appears, the doors open and BILL and TED come flying out of the
booth, rushing forward to the hitching post at the front of the stage.
They crash into the post and land roughly on the ground. Both are carrying
pillowcases which they have been using as trick or treat bags.
TED: Bill! What happened, dude? I thought you said you
could control this thing!
BILL: We?re under control, Ted! We?re just a little off
course.
TED: Bill, it?s Halloween! What a bogus idea you had to go
time-traveling on Halloween!
BILL: Shut up, Ted! It?s an excellent idea, if we can go
around the neighborhood collecting goodies, then go back again and skip all the
houses giving out bogus stuff like cough drops and beef jerky.
Ted is staring in awe at the old west town and is becoming worried.
TED: Bill . . . Bill, this is not our neighborhood, dude! This
is . . . hey, Bill, what is this man?
BILL: I dunno, Ted! Maybe we?ve mysteriously vaulted through
the infinite circuits of space and time and landed in a world that?s
impossibly formed parallel universe beyond the comprehension of man. Or
maybe we?re gonna be on Hee Haw, dude!
TED: Could be, Bill! There?s a country and western singer
dude!
They approach the Sheriff, who looks startled.
TED: Greetings most excellent cowboy dude! I?m Ted!
BILL: And I?m Bill!
BILL & TED: And we?re Bill and Ted!
They break into an air guitar solo.
SHERIFF: Whoa, whoa, hold it right there. Now you boys mind telling me
what the heck?s going on? Who are you fellas?
TED: We?re time travelers and rock musicians!
BILL: And tonight?s Halloween, so . . .
They hold out their bags to the cowboy.
BILL & TED: Trick or treat, dude!
A gunshot sounds and they all turn to see Black Bart approaching them with
his gun drawn.
BART: Looking for me, Sheriff?
BILL & TED: Non-non-non-non-heinous!!!
TED: How could an evil dude with a totally bad sense of fashion pull a
most deadly gun on three such peaceful guys such as ourselves? Do
something, Bill!
BART: Ain?t nobody doin? nothin? lessen I say so! And what
I say is get those hands up high!
Bill, Ted and the Sheriff raise their hands somewhat.
BART: HIGHER!
All three pairs of hands shoot into the air.
BART: All right now! Like I told you, Sheriff, I always have a
way of coming out on top. And according to these two fellas, this here
contraption?s some sort of time-traveling buggy! So maybe I?ll just
take it for a ride! Maybe go off in the future and round me up a new bank
robbing gang!
BILL & TED: Wait!!!
Bart fires his gun into the air again.
BART: You?re the only one?s who?ll be doin? the waitin?!
Right now I have to catch the last train or . . . whatever this is . . . out of
Dodge. But I?ll be back! So long, tenderfeet! You too,
Sheriff!
Bart goes into the phone booth and dials and the booth disappears in a flash
of smoke and light.
TED: Bill!
BILL: Ted!
TED: Bill!
BILL: Ted!
TED: Bill, we?re doomed, dude! We?re totally stuck in the
past, 100 years before the first electric guitar! Happy Halloween, Bill!
BILL: Shut up, Ted! I have this significantly outrageous
situation totally, 100 % under control!
TED: I?m sure you do, Bill . . . NOT!
Bill pulls out a cell phone and shows it to Ted.
BILL: Look at this, Ted!
TED: Dude, your dad?s cell phone! Far out, dude!
BILL: Dude, it?s not my dad?s! Rufus gave me this
phone. Ted, do you totally know what this means?
TED: Yeah! We can order pizza and catch a ride back to the
future with the Domino dude in thirty minute or less!!
BILL & TED: NOT!!!
BILL: No, even better, Ted! With this phone, I can control the
time booth and bring the evil cow dude back here!
TED: Yeah, dude! And when he opens the booth . . . .
BILL & TED: We bag him!!!
Bill and Ted perform an air guitar duet.
TED: A righteous plan! Most excellent, Bill! Come on, cow
dude! Let?s prepare for an awesomely swift surprise attack.
Bill, Ted and the Sheriff crouch down beside the well facing the storefronts
where the booth had appeared before.
TED: Dial the evil dude back, Bill!
BILL: Dialing now, Ted! Get ready!
Bill dials the cell phone. There is a crash and a bang and lights and smoke,
only this time it?s coming from a nearby barn. Moments later a DeLorean comes
racing from the barn covered in hay and pumpkins to the tune of the Back to the
Future theme song. In stops in the middle of the old west set, and DOC BROWN
steps out, looking bewildered. He spots Bill and Ted.
DOC BROWN: Hold it! Hold it right there! Who are you, and
where and when is this??
TED: Whoa, future man! We are Bill and Ted and this is a totally
good guy cowboy dude we just met!
DOC BROWN: The date! What is the date??
BILL: Look . . . chill, future dude. We don?t know the
date. We just got here ourselves. We?re from the future,
too. We placed a call to bring our time booth back and well . . . .
TED: And you showed up instead! And who are you, anyway?
DOC BROWN: Oh! Emmett Brown?s the name . . . inventor,
time-traveler and . . . great Scott!! You mean with that communication
device you can summon up some kind of time-traveling apparatus and instead I
appeared?
BILL: Totally correct, Emmett. Evil cow dude stole our phone
booth and took off to rob banks in the future.
TED: And we?re most heinously stuck here in the . . . .
DOC BROWN: (Looking around) We?re stuck in the mid-nineteenth
century!
TED: Whoa, dude! The nineteenth century? That?s the
1800's, right, Bill?
BILL: Right, Ted!
Doc Brown snatches the cell phone from Bill and begins walking around in
thought with Bill and Ted following, concerned about getting the phone back.
DOC BROWN: Now let me see that! You dialed a number on this
phone expecting to recall your stolen time machine from the future and instead .
. . instead I?m hurtled into the Old West?
Doc Brown comes to a sudden stop and Bill and Ted bump into the back of him
and fall to the ground.
DOC BROWN: Now then . . . are you sure you dialed the right number?
TED: Bill?s always dials wrong numbers! He totally can?t
remember anything!
BILL: Shut up, Ted! Say, future dude, if you?re taking this
most impressive time machine back to the future, perhaps my friend and me can
hitch a ride . . . at least as far as the 1990's.
Ted whispers into Bill?s ear.
BILL: Oh yeah, we?ll chip in for gas!
DOC BROWN: It?s not that easy! You can?t very well leave a
criminal roaming around the future, menacing generations to come! You must
bring him back! It is the only way to restore the delicate space-time
continuum to it?s proper balance!
BILL & TED: Bogus!
DOC BROWN: Exactly!
TED: That evil cowdude may not be alone by now. And how do you
know that phone thing is gonna work this time?
DOC BROWN: Ah, you do have a point! We should do a test to make
sure we can bring people to the past. But who should we choose from the
future?
BILL: Excuse me one minute, most excellent science sir. I must
confer with Ted.
Bill takes Ted aside momentarily.
BILL: We totally gotta bring back Eddie Van
Halen, Jon Bon Jovi,
Megadeth . . . .
BILL & TED: Station!
TED: Future man! We have decided! We want you to bring
back famous musicians from the future!
DOC BROWN: All right . . . musicians? Great Scott! Why
would you want to bring back musicians?
TED: You probably don?t know that me, Ted "Theodore"
Logan!
BILL: And me, Bill S. Preston, Esquire!
BILL & TED: Are also . . . WYLD
STALLYNS!!!
They perform a loud air guitar.
BILL: We?re a most righteous rock band from the future. We?re
stuck in the past and we need a band!
DOC BROWN: Enough already! If it?s musicians from the future
that you want, then musicians it is!
BILL & TED: Excellent!!
They run to the well again. The cowboy is motioning that he?s pushed
the DeLorean to a safe spot.
DOC BROWN: Take cover over here! Get ready for our little
experiment!
They duck down behind the well and Doc Brown dials the phone. There is
a crash and smoke and again the phone booth appears. When the doors open,
Black Bart steps out followed by three classic nasty bad guys, FREDDY, JASON and
THE TERMINATOR, to the tune of Bad to the Bone.
BILL & TED: Whoa!! It?s the bad dudes!!!
The Sheriff draws his gun on Bart, who pulls his gun as well.
BART: Ha! Not so fast, Sheriff! You may be able to bring
me back, but as you can see I?m not alone!
TED: Dudes, we?re totally weak! We can?t possibly fight!
BART: Get ?em, boys!!
The bad guys go after the good guys and the chase is on. A series of
stunts take place:
Bill hits Freddy on the head with a bottle and then a wagon wheel then runs
into the saloon.
Jason goes after first the Sheriff, then Doc Brown.
Bart throws the Sheriff through the window of a building, but the Sheriff
jumps back out and knocks Bart over the water trough.
The Terminator appears on a balcony and shoots a gun, knocking the bucket off
the well and sending it flying.
Jason tries to slice Doc Brown with his chainsaw, but instead he splits the
support post for the balcony and The Terminator falls to the ground.
Ted runs away from where The Terminator has fallen and is grabbed by Bart,
who holds him as Freddy approaches.
TED: (Pointing up at the sky) Look! It?s the Good Year
Blimp!
Ted runs away as the bad guys all stand staring up into the air.
TED: I can?t believe they fell for that, dude!
Bart grabs Ted and throws him to the ground. Bill runs out of the saloon with
a shovel and hits the Terminator, who stumbles between Ted and Bart and does
after Bart. Ted manages to get away and Bart is pushed through the window
of a building.
Doc Brown fights with Freddy and Jason, managing to hit them several times
with various objects.
The Terminator goes after Bill, who runs into the saloon to hide. Doc
Brown passes by just as Bill?s gone inside.
DOC BROWN: You?re not old enough!!
Ted stands worriedly as The Terminator follows Bill into the saloon.
TED: Bill! Bill!
Bill is thrown out through the saloon doors by The Terminator who comes after
him. The Terminator tries to hit Bill several times with a board, but Bill
manages to duck. They are near the well and Ted has run to Bill?s
defense. He picks up a skateboard which has fallen out of the DeLorian.
TED: Terminator dude, you totally don?t know how to fight fair!
Ted manages to hit the Terminator in the stomach and then the chin with the
skateboard and he falls backwards into the well with a splash. Bill has a
bomb which the Terminator has given him and he tosses it to Ted. They toss
it back and forth a few times before Ted finally throws it into the well.
TED: Catch you later, evil dude!
The bomb explodes down the well and water sprays out across the left side of
the audience.
BILL: Whoa, excellent!
Bill is grabbed by Jason, who marches him over to a gallows. He pushes
Bill up on the gallows, but Bill manages to grab the noose and swing away from
the platform, while Ted runs over and pulls the trap door release and Jason
disappears through the opening. Bill runs into a barn on the right side of
the stage.
Doc Brown is being chased by Freddy and they are first on a balcony then on
top of a building. Freddy makes several lunges at Doc Brown, who ducks him
each time. Finally Freddy makes a lunge and falls off the side of the
building.
DOC BROWN: Don?t mess with a man of science!
In the meantime, Jason has come out from under the gallows carrying a
bomb. He pushes Ted aside and then throws the bomb into the barn.
Bill is now up in the hayloft. Bill grabs a pulley on a rope which is
holding up a large banner advertising a "Square Dance and Hangin?".
He slides down the rope as the bomb explodes in the barn behind him.
BILL & TED: Whooooaaaaaaa!!!!!!
Bill comes to a stop at the banner and struggles to grab onto it.
TED: Dude, you?re totally gonna die!
BILL: Shut up, Ted!
Ted doesn?t notice that The Terminator has climbed out of the well and is
now coming up behind him. Bill manages to grab the banner which rips and
he swings to the ground, hitting Ted who falls back against The Terminator and
knocks him back down the well. Bill and Ted do a high five as Doc Brown
comes to the ground on a drop pulley.
BILL & TED: Station!
They congratulate one another but then a shot rings out. Bart is on top
of a building and pointing his gun at them.
BART: Freeze, dudes!! Totally bad sense of fashion, huh?
Well, we?ll just see about . . . hey!
The Sheriff rides his horse out into the middle of the stage and jumps off as
he and Bart shoot at one another. Finally the Sheriff shoots Bart and he
falls two stories to the ground.
TED: Cowboy dude! You totally wasted him!
BILL: Now what, Ted?
TED: I dunno, dude.
Bill and Ted think a moment.
BILL & TED: Let?s rock!!
From out of the phone booth step MC HAMMER, MADONNA and
THE BLUES
BROTHERS. They give Bill and Ted electric guitars.
BILL: Ladies and gentlemen! I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire!
TED: And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan!
BILL: And we are . . . .
BILL & TED: WYLD STALLYNS!!
Bill and Ted begin raucously playing their electric guitars but are suddenly
interrupted.
MC HAMMER: What we need is something more like this!
MC Hammer begins to perform his Hammer Time song and dance. He
is then also interrupted.
MADONNA: No, no, no, they don?t wanna hear that, they wanna vogue!
Madonna dances a sings a bit of Vogue before she is also stopped.
ELWOOD BLUES: Uh, pardon me, Miss, but my brother and I are honestly
under the impression that these people don?t really appreciate your particular
form of entertainment.
JAKE BLUES: No, what they really want to hear is . . .
The Blues Brothers break into a rendition of Soul Man. They are
interrupted by a clap of thunder and some heavenly music. The later years ELVIS
PRESLEY steps out of the saloon and walks to the gallows.
ELVIS: Thank you . . . thank you very much, ladies and
gentlemen! I have come here this evening to solve the problem, for I know
what these good people want to hear.
Elvis breaks into a rendition of the popular rock song Shout.
Everyone in the cast joins in, jumping into the audience and running around,
singing, dancing, encouraging some audience members to dance with them and sing
along. At the end Bill and Ted jump up on the gallows and break into a
guitar solo. The song comes to an energetic end and Doc Brown accidentally
sits on a detonator in the middle of the stage which blows up the building
behind him, causing the front to come crashing down around him . . . he is saved
only by being where an open window happens to be (a la Buster Keaton?s classic
stunt in Steamboat Bill, Jr.).
TED: Bill, we totally brought the house down!
BILL: Definitely, dude! Be excellent to each other!
TED: Party on, dudes!!
BILL & TED: Happy Halloween, dudes!!
THE END
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